How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki
Everyone should write a book at least once. Not everyone's book will (or should) get published, but this one did. My problem is that it looks like the title tells the whole story, so I wonder what is in the 241 pages between the covers. (In reviewing a book without reading it, I am following a long tradition. I wrote a book once and when I was out promoting it more than one radio interviewer started by saying "I haven't read the book yet, but …" and then launched into a discussion of the contents.) I was very impressed by the author's claim that a 70-year-old man had followed the procedure and now "can make #### three times in succession without drawing out". I can't begin to guess what "####" is, but I would like to be able to put money into the bank three times without drawing any out.

Doyletics -- A New Science for the 21st Century
There is a very nice waterfront seafood restaurant near Sydney called "Doyle's". When you go there for lunch it's a really relaxing experience and the cares of the world just seem to float away like the little boats leaving the nearby wharf. I never feel fear, anxiety or anger when I have a forkful of lobster in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other. I know it's just a coincidence because the Doyle that this web site is about has the first name Doyle so he probably isn't related to Peter Doyle, but is eerie how he also promises to cure fear, anxiety and anger. Perhaps you drag them away in the little red cart.

Alien Love Bite
Here's another book that I haven't read but I think I know something about. It's all about how aliens come here and make us fall in love. Why they should do this is a mystery, but perhaps it's explained in the book. It could be part of the well-documented breeding experiments that aliens have been conducting on us for some time, sort of like dog or racehorse breeders trying to get the best matches. Or maybe it's just that the aliens feel sorry for us. They looked at late-night television and saw all those advertisements for meeting agencies and lonely person chat lines and decided that we should be able to get together without paying $5.95 per minute. Some of them get too involved, though. I went out with an alien female once, but we broke up because she wanted probe more often than I did.
[You can buy this wonderful book here.]

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
At first I put this into the Too Good To Be True category, but an awful lot of work has gone into convincing us that we should all stop breeding and return the planet to the state it was before humans evolved and immediately started inventing things like global warming, genetically modified food, atomic weapons, whale harpoons, daytime television shock shows, polyester shirts and broccoli. Imagine a time when all the animals can roam free again without any fear of being eaten (because they will all return to their natural vegetarian states). Imagine a time when plants will flower and fruit in a natural rhythm with the needs of nature and animals. But I see a dark cloud on the horizon. I see the last two humans meeting in a garden. There is a tree there with strange, non-genetically modified fruit. One human offers a piece of this fruit to the other. There is a slithering sound in the grass, and the humans suddenly feel naked and exposed …

Lettuce Ladies and Jesus Was a Vegetarian
Two for the price of one again. It was impossible to pick between these two sites from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I have a vision of what it must be like at PETA headquarters when everyone gathers for the weekly Issues Meeting. Melissa from the canteen reassures everyone that the butter used on the sandwiches only comes from cows milked by milkmaids with warm hands. Jamie from Theology tells of the latest evidence showing that Judas once attended a camel barbeque. Ralph reports on the success of getting the producers to remove the words "how many polyesters had to die to make that shirt" from the new DVD rerelease of Saturday Night Fever. A vote is taken on what sort of animal should replace Fluffy, the recently-deceased office companion rabbit, and the consensus is a stoat. Because of the danger to cockroaches, everyone agrees to join the blockade against the landlord's planned fumigation of the building.

These sites triggered Loon of the Month in March 2001. The citation said:

But wait, there's more! LotM Part 2.

PETA’s recent letter concerning McVeigh’s last meal
Most correspondence about prisoners on death row is about execution, not food. [You can see an image of the the letter here.]

Timothy McVeigh's last meal before his execution was two tubs of mint chip ice cream. In typical ideologue (and idiotologue) fashion, PETA claimed this as a victory, saying "Mr. McVeigh’s decision to go vegetarian groups him with some of the world’s greatest visionaries, including Albert Schweitzer, Mohandas Gandhi, Leo Tolstoy and Albert Einstein, all of whom advocated vegetarianism as an extension of humanitarianism." I assume the milk in the ice cream (PETA is opposed to dairy farms) came from vegan cows who milked themselves. Hypocrisy or stupidity? You choose.

Thunderwear
No longer do you have to face the embarrassment of people quoting Mae West at you and asking you is that a gun in your pocket. The battle of the bulge is won, because you can now hide your artillery in the most unlikely place – down the front of your pants. Another advantage of this is that it lets you get around in more casual clothes. My tailor is always complaining about how hard it is to get my jackets to drape correctly when there is a blunderbuss in an inside pocket (he gave up on the crossbow and quiver), and a shoulder holster chafes something awful when you have to wrestle feral animals. Be careful, though. When you put your gun away, make sure it's not cocked.